I want something

I want something that’s not real

That doesn’t exist for me

That I can’t have

I want a relationship

with a deep soul connection

I want to feel at home in another

I need to feel at home with myself

this journey my soul chose, I resist it over and over again

this resistance,

this lofty goal,

this burning desire,

this raw, unstoppable, urgent, powerful,

desperate attraction to connection

It’s not unreasonable,

it’s just not mine.

My destiny is elsewhere

it’s me.

showing up for myself

being present to myself

validating myself

knowing without a doubt that God carries me

He always does

and this knowledge, it helps.

and then it doesn’t

because my heart, it wants to connect

more than anything else

so many worldly pleasures that I would gladly forsake for connection

oh, this journey

I want to believe that I chose it.

but I can’t wrap my brain around that

the one thing that I want so badly is just not destined to be mine.

it’s elusive

it slips through my fingers

and every now and then

I get a tiny taste of it and I’m

so relieved and so desperate

at the same time

it’s never enough

and it’s not meant for me

just a tease

just a tickle

a reminder that it exits

that it’s real

that it’s just not mine

and most likely, never will be

and the sooner

I make peace with that

the sooner

I embrace

the more peaceful my life will be

the less I’ll be searching, yearning, longing for all that I already possess

within

for all that exists

in my relationship with God

in a tangible, revealed way

as long as I’m open to experiencing it

to do my part

to nurture that connection

soul speak